Marriage is hard. Relationships take work .
For those of us that have kids with Special Needs, we add a new list of challenges to those that all couples endure.
I am by no means an “expert’ by degree, BUT I am an expert in my daily experiences. I have come up with some basic tips to help along with a few things we should try NOT do.
Statistics say our marriages are harder to make work, I say, you can use anything as a reason to “fail”,, so why not make it work for us . Any of us can choose to give up, or feel sorry for ourselves. We can all sit and cry over how unfair it is OR we can take a deep breath and move forward . Parents of special needs children are strong, we are superheroes.
As you read this , know that my husband and I work hard to find a balance. We don’t always have great days, we certainly know what stress is in our marriage , BUT we have found a mutual respect and delicate balance .
Here’s what I continue to learn and try to practice. Your child can easily take the focus off and it is up to you to remember you are more than a parent, and your needs must be met too.
Find the humor in as much as you can! Yes, laugh ! Laugh at things NO one else may find funny, but both of you really understand. We have so many inside jokes that we realize many may not laugh at and that is OK!
Make time for your spouse. I know, that sounds so simple , yet so many of us don’t . I have learned it does not have to be anything fancy or for too long- just has to be time to be present with each other.
Make time for you! YES, you. We need a little alone time. This is different than the time with your friends . I need to have time with myself , not to feel the need to be “on” for anyone, to allow myself to think, cry or just be.
Acknowledge (to yourself ) that you do not have to like everything about your spouse everyday. Whew, that is a real one. And, guess what- they probably don’t like everything about you. No big deal. But letting yourself embrace that , takes a big burden off.
It is ok to have different ways , wants to get things done. Mark & I do not always have the same thoughts on how to discipline, what is the best plan for school or medical treatment . We talk it out, weight the options and sometimes his is better , other times it may be combo of the two. It isn’t a competition, different thoughts open up opportunities for your child. Trust your partner!
Talk. Say you’re sorry. Practice forgiveness. Sometimes the words may not even be there, but the action will. Grab a hand, lean over and ask for a hug. Our emotions can be raw, try not to let resentment build.
Remember your partner is just that. You are a team. Team’s don’t always win , but they gain strength in working and learning. Give up some control – ( oh, I know, that is a tough one!) but it will provide immediate relief!
Don’t blame. Blaming will do no good. Sure, many times, I may want to say, see, I told you so. Or, My husband may have to bite his lip instead of saying , ” I knew that was a bad idea” but really, what will that do? It’s destructive.
Be Romantic/ Intimate. What’s that? I know, this one tends to get put off . When I talk with friends that also have special need kids, we all talk about being too tired , too cranky and too busy. Keep your love alive and be creative. Write a letter to him telling him the things you love, bring her breakfast in bed- just because. Simple, sweet and so important.
Have an outlet ! For you, this may be a night out with your friends, a movie marathon, or a trip to the library. Whatever it is, do it, plan it and keep it going! My husband plays drums in a band! I support that for him and know it takes a tremendous amount of stress off him, it is so therapeutic. I don’t have a set outlet, mine changes , but I am making the time to do something for me.
Use your Support System. You do have one. We have no family here
Sleep. Many kids with special needs don’t sleep through the night. If this is the case, take turns with your partner. You need sleep or the level of cranky at home will be through the roof. When you are sleep deprived, you are more likely to be on edge.
Stay Healthy. Vitamins, exercise, doctor appointments. Take care of you first ( hmmm, must make dr appt and take my advice!)
Share/ Share- that’s fair. You don’t have to do it all and you should not do it all! Sharing the responsibilities allows a break for one another and also allows you to feel more like a team. When your partner takes on a task, give them credit for the effort. Who cares if you could have done it better- you didn’t have to do it!
Be Spontaneous. Do you see a recurring theme? I really think making each other feel good, taking a minute to let your partner know you appreciate them and doing little things for one another is so important. We can find the time, send a text, serve dinner by candlelight, any little thing to bring a smile.
Our daily life may be more difficult at times , and we may not all be prepared to deal with all that means. But, it doesn’t have to be a recipe for bad ending. Difficult does NOT have to mean Impossible. Appreciating each other’s efforts. Seeing the other’s perspective. Embracing your differences . These can and will strengthen your relationship. Try to spend a few minutes focusing on each other, not your kids, it will help you remember the person you fell in love with and why you fell in love with them!
